3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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