legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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