even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
