you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
