pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
