Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
