just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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