he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
