Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
