mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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