i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
