why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
