yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
