if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
