is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
