I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
