I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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