Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
