what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
