If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
