I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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