dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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