Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
