You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
