Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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