this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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