Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
