every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
