you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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