I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
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I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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