I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
