I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
