dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
