the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
