i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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