I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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