after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Randomize
