I want to walk on stilts...naked
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
