it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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