Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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