I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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