i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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