nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
