Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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