he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
