6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"