dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.