ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
