it was like eating out sand paper
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible