oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
