I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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