literally had 100 drinks last night.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize