Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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