Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
