Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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