Who wears a wallet chain?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize