my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
