She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
