There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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